On Divorce and Loss

I wonder if other divorced people have an experience closely similar to mine, one in which there finally comes a time when you know you have "moved on."  Perhaps it usually comes to people as mine did, after a long period of thinking you had moved on, but really hadn't.  It seems as if one doesn't realize the moving on has taken place until after it has.  I'm assuming this kind of experience is pretty common, since the aftermath of divorce is really a grief experience, natural to people when they experience a loss of any kind.

I notice a different outlook on life, one that is less centered upon the past hanging on, and more centered upon creating a future.  Remembering all that came with the loss is rueful, but settled, like the sludge in a stream, stirred up by a storm, finally becoming part of the bedrock.  I have learned the modern term for this "stage of grief:" acceptance.

Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross forever changed mankind's understanding of grief in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, still required reading for anyone studying the human experience.  During my education and career in human services (including hospice work), I sought to apply my knowledge of such foundational work to my own experience.  At age 56 now, I have survived many losses of all kinds, including loved ones, a marriage, and even the former relationship of my children to myself, which always suffers some sort of change in a loss.  In my fortunate case, my children are wonderful adults, and the change has been as healthy as our grief experiences were.  I am even more fortunate that my ex-wife is still a valued friend who is able to enjoy time with me, the children, and their families.

Not so for many.

The clinical term for a troubled grief experience is "complicated," which always secretly amused me.  "Complicated" is a good, non-alarming term for post-surgical infection, but a bit mild for grief.  When someone is troubled or "stuck in" the grief process, the suffering can be deep, and permanent.  In the specific case of a divorce, this can even have many multi-generational aftershocks.

So what is my point?  The grief, of a divorce or other loss in life, is important, to each of us and to all those around us, not to be taken lightly, or its peaceful resolution for granted.  It deserves our attention in many forms for us to heal, and the attention of our loved ones especially, who often mean well, but nonetheless can throw a lot of fuel onto our grieving fire.

Regarding losses that have come, or certainly will, to you and to those you love: read the book.

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